The Big Bang
There was nothing but her hand on my thigh, the rest of the bar was emptiness. We existed as a single entity alone in a see of darkness.
“Why haven’t you moved your hand Kaitlyn?” I smiled
“Because I don’t want to” She said, her voice somewhat pained. She was beyond beautiful in that moment to me, she was everything, and i was nothing next to her. She could be overlooked by some, dressing down to hide her looks from those who would otherwise be at once smitten by her. She wore her dark brown hair up to show her face, but her full beauty shinned when she let the elegant strands flow. She was everything I wanted, especially when she was wearing her glasses. Smart, sexy and self-assured, centered and ready for whatever was ahead of her.
Then there was me, next to her I was nothing, my looks described by some as above average dorky cute, and by others and full blown handsome. I can’t really describe myself, so let me ask my friends for a second:
Jim
He’s smarter than he gives himself credit, really liberal, like...he makes me look conservative, and that's just...scary.
Nicole
Beautiful eyes, like...just beautiful, their like a deep blue ocean, i could get lost in that Ocean
Jim
His eyes are okay, but Nicole says I have the best eyes, she likes my baby brown eyes
Nicole
He has the best eyes, such a cold blue that they could make you shiver
Jim
They say that brown eyes are a sign of intelligence, but Kevin is pretty smart too, granted he is no Substitute teacher, hell it took him ten years just to get his Bachelors
Nicole
He is so SMART! It took him ten year’s just to get his Bachelors because he wanted to take classes in everything, he ended up with three degrees: Theater, Anthropology and Political Science with a minor in Philosophy. I could listen to him talk for hours
Jim
He’s a little talkative at times, granted I like the guy but, come one, who honestly wants to listen to Astronomy metaphors all night?
Nicole
He told me when he had a more than two (Editors Correction: Three) drinks one night that my face was as beautiful and mysterious as the Simulacrum in the Eagle Nebula... I still have no idea what he was talking about, but it was sweet
Kaitlyn
Kevin is...well, he’s very handsome, in that kind of way that you don’t really notice at first. It kind of creeps up on you, maybe over a couple years. Or Maybe that’s just because he has gotten more attractive as he’s gotten older, he doesn't look old mind you. He still get’s carded everywhere we together...
Mark
Why the fuck are you asking me this? You stole my (EDIT, REMOVE LATER)
To Be Continued in...The Big Bang (Continued)
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The Big Crunch
Continuing The Saga of "Forces of The Universe", a series of short fictions stories of my life on the road to adulthood, and all the bumps in between
“You always do this, every time we really need to focus you just choke!” Jim raised his voice to Nicole
“Oh, please! Don’t you start with me young man, I will choke you right here!” Nicole raised her’s right back
“Oh, wouldn't that be a nice change if you did something I wanted for once!”
“That wasn’t what I met, and that fetish is just...weird!”
“Erotic Asphxiation is a very common sexual desire! And I only want to do it with you because I love you!”
“No, it’s because it’s the only thing you couldn’t get your kinky ex-girlfriend to do to you!”
“It was not the only thing!”
“Are you BRAGGING?”
“Maybe...Maybe I am” Jim said, the wavering confidence in his voice obvious
“You want to know what I did with my ex boyfriend? Hmm?”
“Not...particularly...”
“I let him.” Nicole said, with growing certainty
“You let him what?”
“You know exactly what I mean! And I kind of liked it too”
“You liar! You said you would never do that!”
“I said I would never do it with YOU!”
“Why not me?”
“Because I loved you!” At this point the emotion in Nicole’s voice had overtaken the strength and control she normally had. She lowered her head, her auburn hair with dyed red streaks covering the tears that lined her pale face, as it began to flush red.
“Loved?” Jim said, well aware of the past tense in Nicole’s comment. Jim was a tall and handsome man, but the fight with Nicole had made him seem frail. His lanky limbs dangled at his side, his normally spiked red hair seemed to be the start of a fire that was engulfing him to his soul. They we’re as two suns, being pulled towards each other despite the obvious ending of their pending collision.
“Loved.” Nicole said, her sun spotted face growing more red as outbursts of sobs echoed from her.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Jim said, red with rage, humiliation and unfathomable sorrow.
Nicole nodded, and The Universe collapsed on itself
To Be Continued in "The Big Bang"
“You always do this, every time we really need to focus you just choke!” Jim raised his voice to Nicole
“Oh, please! Don’t you start with me young man, I will choke you right here!” Nicole raised her’s right back
“Oh, wouldn't that be a nice change if you did something I wanted for once!”
“That wasn’t what I met, and that fetish is just...weird!”
“Erotic Asphxiation is a very common sexual desire! And I only want to do it with you because I love you!”
“No, it’s because it’s the only thing you couldn’t get your kinky ex-girlfriend to do to you!”
“It was not the only thing!”
“Are you BRAGGING?”
“Maybe...Maybe I am” Jim said, the wavering confidence in his voice obvious
“You want to know what I did with my ex boyfriend? Hmm?”
“Not...particularly...”
“I let him.” Nicole said, with growing certainty
“You let him what?”
“You know exactly what I mean! And I kind of liked it too”
“You liar! You said you would never do that!”
“I said I would never do it with YOU!”
“Why not me?”
“Because I loved you!” At this point the emotion in Nicole’s voice had overtaken the strength and control she normally had. She lowered her head, her auburn hair with dyed red streaks covering the tears that lined her pale face, as it began to flush red.
“Loved?” Jim said, well aware of the past tense in Nicole’s comment. Jim was a tall and handsome man, but the fight with Nicole had made him seem frail. His lanky limbs dangled at his side, his normally spiked red hair seemed to be the start of a fire that was engulfing him to his soul. They we’re as two suns, being pulled towards each other despite the obvious ending of their pending collision.
“Loved.” Nicole said, her sun spotted face growing more red as outbursts of sobs echoed from her.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Jim said, red with rage, humiliation and unfathomable sorrow.
Nicole nodded, and The Universe collapsed on itself
To Be Continued in "The Big Bang"
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Forces of The Universe
There is a moment in your life when all the possibilities are sitting in front of you, and you find that whatever vehicle your traveling in is stuck in neutral, this is the story of that time in my life.
From the time I graduated high school till the time i graduated college (on the ten-year plan, we’ll get back to that later), I was in committed relationship after committed relationship with barely any time to breathe in between, let alone be a happy single man. Till my 28th Birthday I never realized how good life could be as a single young man, or how incalculably terrible.
It was my 28th Birthday, I showed up late to my own party at my local hot club, carrying two trays of my own cupcakes. After being in the bar for approximately 48 seconds I’d had the bouncer buy me a shot, got kissed by a stranger and had a beautiful girl on my arm and was headed towards the large gathering of my friends
Of course I glossed over two key facts, One that the stranger who kissed me was a gay man named Larry who was also celebrating his birthday and felt like sharing some of his excitement with me as well. And Two- that the beautiful woman on my arm was, in fact, very much taken. And this very fact about her had often proved very problematic for me in past instances like this:
One Drink
“We should hang out more” She’d whisper
“ Totally! I know this great local diner, I’ve wanted to take you there since we met!” I’d reply, my hand firmly on the bar, trying to push myself up so I’d have just that slight bit of height advantage I felt like I needed to feel more attractive
Two Drinks
“I’ve been attracted too you for years...” She’d whisper
“I Totally feel the same about you! I’ve wanted to tell you since I first saw you!" I’d reply, my hand firmly on her on her waist, trying to position myself so the light hit my eyes at the right angle so I could feel more attractive
Three Drinks
“I want to take you home” She’d whisper
“Totally! I’ve wanted you since the second we met!” I’d reply, my hand placed softly around her neck, trying to pull her in for a kiss but knowing that as attractive as we found each other the forces of the Universe around us would not let us get together.
The Forces of The Universe
“Kevin, come on man, you know better!” Jim said, stopping my hand from sliding any further down her back, or higher up her legs, or...
“Stop it already! You two are like cat’s in heat together when you’ve had more than two drinks” Nicole said
“Three Drinks” We said in unison, leaning in for a kiss but once again having our friends, the Forces of the Universe, stop us. They we’re my two best friends, but sometimes their best efforts to correct my life would drive me to fits of mild rage.
“Did it ever occur to you two for a second that maybe Kaitlyn doesn't want to be in this relationship, and maybe I’m the one she is supposed to be with?” I said
“No.” Jim, Nicole and to my surprise Kaitlyn all said in unison
“What?” I replied, as shocked as i was confused
“Kevin, I love you...”
“Yes, proof right there! You said it! You hear that Universe?” I glared at Jim and Nicole, their beady universe eyes as unflinching as the blackness of the Cosmo's they controlled
“But...” Kaitlyn continued
“See!” The Universe echoed, as always in unison
“Don’t get cocky yet, she hasn’t finished!” I retorted
“But...I love Mark too, and I am... Usually happy with him. I don’t want to screw that up”
“Then why is your hand on my thigh?” I said
“Damn it Nicole you we’re supposed to be on Kaitlyn duty!” Jim whirled on his Universal counterpart
“How am i supposed to control those arms? They woman moves like a banshee!” Nicole, who had very little knowledge of Irish mythology, snapped back at Jim.
While Jim and Nicole started to collapse the celestial body of their relationship into a black hole of insults, i looked down and saw Kaitlyn’s hand had not moved from its precarious position on my thigh. I gazed into her eyes and saw only one thing, the Universe...collapsing, or was it expanding?
Metaphysists believe that the big bang may have happened many times, only to be followed Billions of years later by the Big Crunch. Eventually the mutual attraction of all matter eventually causes the Universe to contract, causing it to collapse into itself and possibly creating another Big Bang. Or, leading to the end of all things, and as this moment passed before me I saw only two probable outcomes...
To Be Continued in "The Big Crunch"
From the time I graduated high school till the time i graduated college (on the ten-year plan, we’ll get back to that later), I was in committed relationship after committed relationship with barely any time to breathe in between, let alone be a happy single man. Till my 28th Birthday I never realized how good life could be as a single young man, or how incalculably terrible.
It was my 28th Birthday, I showed up late to my own party at my local hot club, carrying two trays of my own cupcakes. After being in the bar for approximately 48 seconds I’d had the bouncer buy me a shot, got kissed by a stranger and had a beautiful girl on my arm and was headed towards the large gathering of my friends
Of course I glossed over two key facts, One that the stranger who kissed me was a gay man named Larry who was also celebrating his birthday and felt like sharing some of his excitement with me as well. And Two- that the beautiful woman on my arm was, in fact, very much taken. And this very fact about her had often proved very problematic for me in past instances like this:
One Drink
“We should hang out more” She’d whisper
“ Totally! I know this great local diner, I’ve wanted to take you there since we met!” I’d reply, my hand firmly on the bar, trying to push myself up so I’d have just that slight bit of height advantage I felt like I needed to feel more attractive
Two Drinks
“I’ve been attracted too you for years...” She’d whisper
“I Totally feel the same about you! I’ve wanted to tell you since I first saw you!" I’d reply, my hand firmly on her on her waist, trying to position myself so the light hit my eyes at the right angle so I could feel more attractive
Three Drinks
“I want to take you home” She’d whisper
“Totally! I’ve wanted you since the second we met!” I’d reply, my hand placed softly around her neck, trying to pull her in for a kiss but knowing that as attractive as we found each other the forces of the Universe around us would not let us get together.
The Forces of The Universe
“Kevin, come on man, you know better!” Jim said, stopping my hand from sliding any further down her back, or higher up her legs, or...
“Stop it already! You two are like cat’s in heat together when you’ve had more than two drinks” Nicole said
“Three Drinks” We said in unison, leaning in for a kiss but once again having our friends, the Forces of the Universe, stop us. They we’re my two best friends, but sometimes their best efforts to correct my life would drive me to fits of mild rage.
“Did it ever occur to you two for a second that maybe Kaitlyn doesn't want to be in this relationship, and maybe I’m the one she is supposed to be with?” I said
“No.” Jim, Nicole and to my surprise Kaitlyn all said in unison
“What?” I replied, as shocked as i was confused
“Kevin, I love you...”
“Yes, proof right there! You said it! You hear that Universe?” I glared at Jim and Nicole, their beady universe eyes as unflinching as the blackness of the Cosmo's they controlled
“But...” Kaitlyn continued
“See!” The Universe echoed, as always in unison
“Don’t get cocky yet, she hasn’t finished!” I retorted
“But...I love Mark too, and I am... Usually happy with him. I don’t want to screw that up”
“Then why is your hand on my thigh?” I said
“Damn it Nicole you we’re supposed to be on Kaitlyn duty!” Jim whirled on his Universal counterpart
“How am i supposed to control those arms? They woman moves like a banshee!” Nicole, who had very little knowledge of Irish mythology, snapped back at Jim.
While Jim and Nicole started to collapse the celestial body of their relationship into a black hole of insults, i looked down and saw Kaitlyn’s hand had not moved from its precarious position on my thigh. I gazed into her eyes and saw only one thing, the Universe...collapsing, or was it expanding?
Metaphysists believe that the big bang may have happened many times, only to be followed Billions of years later by the Big Crunch. Eventually the mutual attraction of all matter eventually causes the Universe to contract, causing it to collapse into itself and possibly creating another Big Bang. Or, leading to the end of all things, and as this moment passed before me I saw only two probable outcomes...
To Be Continued in "The Big Crunch"
Interrogation Techniques: The Hillary Clinton File
I Wrote this during the 2008 Presidential Campaign for a satire edition of my college paper, it was right after the former first lady said some statements about her trip to Bosnia that video footage later disproved. You Can see that footage here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BfNqhV5hg4
Startling new evidence has surfaced this week regarding the foreign policy documents Senator Clinton has been withholding. For weeks now the Clinton campaign has been keeping under wraps documents about her daily activities as First Lady, her day to day tasks. Many suspected that Hillary was playing up her role in foreign policy turns out, but as it would turn out she was down-playing them. These documents that Hillary Clinton received vigorous training in the art of water-boarding, and that she would go on to use this technique on a Serbian Rebel in her visit to bring peace to the region
Hillary Clinton, already trained in many forms of armed and hand to hand combat, was not prepared for the chaos that would ensue upon her arrival in Bosnia. Video evidence reveals that as soon as Clinton stepped off her plane, her armed escorts we’re instantly killed by Sniper fire from Serbian Rebels who had infiltrated the tarmac. The video shows Hillary recovering a gun from one of her slain comrades and using the gun to clear a path for her and Chelsea, and fellow Bosnian liberators Sinbad and Sheryl Crowe. When they reached the interior of Tuzla Air Base the Sinbad, Chelsea and Crowe were taken hostage by Serbian Rebels while Hillary was able to escape using her Martial Arts skills. Clinton found her way to the center of the compound and was able to take the leader of the rebel’s hostage.
Grainy video footage shows Clinton subjecting the Serbian to water boarding, demanding to know where her daughter was being held. After being forced into freezing cold water seventeen times the Serbian finally gave up the location of the First Daughter. Hillary Clinton instantly sprung into action and raced towards the location, when she burst into the room her daughter was being held by a 10-year old girl with a teddy bear time bomb. Clinton used her verbal skills to coach the young girl to give her the teddy bear before it went off, and with the quickness of action and thought she demonstrated with her Iraq war Vote Clinton was able to avoid disaster. When asked why she kept these evens a secret for so long Clinton merely replied “I didn’t want my daughter to be forced to relive that horrific day”. Many believe that Sinbad and Crow never escaped the clutches of the Serbian rebels, as little as been heard from them since
Rules of The Apartment
BRIAN is rummaging through a fridge looking for a snack, he takes out something in a container. JON enters, see’s this
JON: Damn it Brian I wanted to eat that
BRIAN: (offering it) I haven’t had any yet
JON: Nope, you touched it, remember?
BRIAN: Oh...right
JON: Rules exist for a reason, can you be more careful next time?
BRIAN: About the rules Jon...(BRIAN removes a list from his pocket, if possible it should roll out and reveal it is much longer than it seems) I just can’t remember them all
JON: What’s so hard, i wrote them all down for you!
BRIAN: Salad Saturday’s?
JON: You know all the veggies will go bad if we don’t set a date to eat them, it’s totally logical
BRIAN: Okay, I’ll give you that but...
JON: But what?
BRIAN: Our car’s must never come within three meters of each other
JON: You know how much i value the Mercedes, i just want to make sure you don’t scratch it
BRIAN: But the driveway is only 12 Meters long! And we have to fit Tony’s car as well!
JON: Rules are Rules
BRIAN: Fine well, we have to talk about the touching rule then...because...
JON: What?
BRIAN: Well, when Rita was over last night I...
JON:YOU DIDN”T!
BRIAN: I’m a hugger! I give hugs!
JON: Damn it Brian that’s the third girlfriend this month!
BRIAN: I just forget and...
JON: She’s yours now
BRIAN: Jon, your being ridiculous if you just...
JON: I was with her after she...ugh...I am going to go wash off your smell...
(JON exits. BRIAN sighs. TONY, their neighbor, enters, carrying a large book “The Rules”)
TONY: Hey Brian...
BRIAN: Hey Tony, how are you?
TONY: Is Jon around?
BRIAN: He is washing my stink off him
TONY: Uh...what?
BRIAN: Long story, what do you need?
TONY: It’s...well it’s about his car. I scratched it getting passed to my spot today...
BRIAN: Oh shit.
TONY: It’s okay i buffed it ou...
BRIAN: YOU TOUCHED IT?
TONY: I wanted to get it out, but i was reading through his rules and I...
JON enters
BRIAN: SHHHHHH!
JON: What...What’s going on guy’s?
TONY: (while BRIAN yells) I scratched your car
BRIAN: NOTHING AT ALL
TONY stares at BRIAN, BRIAN nods at TONY trying to convince him to go with it. TONY puts his hand on BRIAN to try and figure out what he is saying. JON gasps
JON: You...oh my!
TONY: What? What is it?
BRIAN: Oh shit.
JON; Well, i guess it’s been fun Brian... (JON exits, BRIAN is furious with TONY)
BRIAN: Now you’ve done it
TONY: What? What did I do?
(JON re-enters with a box of BRIAN’s things)
JON: I’ll miss you buddy (Without thinking JON hug’s BRIAN goodbye, then gasps and recoils) I...I never hug...I...
BRIAN: Your telling me...
TONY: Could someone please tell me what the hell is going on?
BRIAN: Well, when you touched me i became your personal property
TONY: You..WHAT?
BRIAN: I’m your bitch
TONY: But Jon just hugged you, so you’re his bitch now...right?
BRIAN: Jon?
JON: I...i have to consult the rules (ALL three read through their copies of the rules, and all at the same time find the next rule, and stare straight ahead, mouths agape) I’ll be out in minute, i have to call my mother...(EXITS sobbing)
TONY: He can’t be serious
BRIAN: Oh he is...
TONY: It’s crazy...It’s illegal and it’s...
BRIAN: A Fight to the death.
TONY: I’m getting the hell out of here (BRIAN stops TONY from going)
BRIAN: Not so fast, read the fine print
TONY: If either of the parties in dispute should flee the scene the object in dispute will be...will be destroyed
BRIAN: I’m THE OBJECT!
TONY: There has to be...he can’t be...
JON re-enters wearing a face-mask and holding a butter knife
JON: Un-Garde! (JON lunges at TONY, who dive’s out of the way)
TONY: Brian, see if there is something in the rules to stop this! (While JON and TONY fight, BRIAN frantically searches for something in the rules) DAMN IT BRIAN, FIND SOMETHING!
BRIAN: I’ve got it! (Right Before TONY kills JON , BRIAN touches both of them at the exact same time, both stare at him.)
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP
BRIAN is sitting on TONY, with JON next to him as a table for his book. RITA enters carrying a drink for him.
BRIAN: Thanks Rita (he kisses her) Go tell the rest of the girls I’ll be in in a minute
RITA: Ok sweetie (RITA runs her fingers through BRIAN’s hair and pulls it a bit, the both smile and she exit’s excitedly)
TONY: Jon, i should have killed you when i had the chance
JON: I swear I...I don’t remember this being a rule...
BRIAN: (putting his drink down on JON) That’s because it wasn’t...
JON and TONY: WHAT?
BRIAN: (reading from the rules) In times of crisis the rules may be suspended and amended without consent...
TONY: Wait...so why didn’t you just change the rule that we had to fight to the death
BRIAN: (exiting, RITA beckoning) Well, where’s the fun in that? Coming girls!
TONY reaches out to strangle JON, but JON gestures to indicate “remember what happens if we touch” TONY sighs
BLACKOUT
JON: Damn it Brian I wanted to eat that
BRIAN: (offering it) I haven’t had any yet
JON: Nope, you touched it, remember?
BRIAN: Oh...right
JON: Rules exist for a reason, can you be more careful next time?
BRIAN: About the rules Jon...(BRIAN removes a list from his pocket, if possible it should roll out and reveal it is much longer than it seems) I just can’t remember them all
JON: What’s so hard, i wrote them all down for you!
BRIAN: Salad Saturday’s?
JON: You know all the veggies will go bad if we don’t set a date to eat them, it’s totally logical
BRIAN: Okay, I’ll give you that but...
JON: But what?
BRIAN: Our car’s must never come within three meters of each other
JON: You know how much i value the Mercedes, i just want to make sure you don’t scratch it
BRIAN: But the driveway is only 12 Meters long! And we have to fit Tony’s car as well!
JON: Rules are Rules
BRIAN: Fine well, we have to talk about the touching rule then...because...
JON: What?
BRIAN: Well, when Rita was over last night I...
JON:YOU DIDN”T!
BRIAN: I’m a hugger! I give hugs!
JON: Damn it Brian that’s the third girlfriend this month!
BRIAN: I just forget and...
JON: She’s yours now
BRIAN: Jon, your being ridiculous if you just...
JON: I was with her after she...ugh...I am going to go wash off your smell...
(JON exits. BRIAN sighs. TONY, their neighbor, enters, carrying a large book “The Rules”)
TONY: Hey Brian...
BRIAN: Hey Tony, how are you?
TONY: Is Jon around?
BRIAN: He is washing my stink off him
TONY: Uh...what?
BRIAN: Long story, what do you need?
TONY: It’s...well it’s about his car. I scratched it getting passed to my spot today...
BRIAN: Oh shit.
TONY: It’s okay i buffed it ou...
BRIAN: YOU TOUCHED IT?
TONY: I wanted to get it out, but i was reading through his rules and I...
JON enters
BRIAN: SHHHHHH!
JON: What...What’s going on guy’s?
TONY: (while BRIAN yells) I scratched your car
BRIAN: NOTHING AT ALL
TONY stares at BRIAN, BRIAN nods at TONY trying to convince him to go with it. TONY puts his hand on BRIAN to try and figure out what he is saying. JON gasps
JON: You...oh my!
TONY: What? What is it?
BRIAN: Oh shit.
JON; Well, i guess it’s been fun Brian... (JON exits, BRIAN is furious with TONY)
BRIAN: Now you’ve done it
TONY: What? What did I do?
(JON re-enters with a box of BRIAN’s things)
JON: I’ll miss you buddy (Without thinking JON hug’s BRIAN goodbye, then gasps and recoils) I...I never hug...I...
BRIAN: Your telling me...
TONY: Could someone please tell me what the hell is going on?
BRIAN: Well, when you touched me i became your personal property
TONY: You..WHAT?
BRIAN: I’m your bitch
TONY: But Jon just hugged you, so you’re his bitch now...right?
BRIAN: Jon?
JON: I...i have to consult the rules (ALL three read through their copies of the rules, and all at the same time find the next rule, and stare straight ahead, mouths agape) I’ll be out in minute, i have to call my mother...(EXITS sobbing)
TONY: He can’t be serious
BRIAN: Oh he is...
TONY: It’s crazy...It’s illegal and it’s...
BRIAN: A Fight to the death.
TONY: I’m getting the hell out of here (BRIAN stops TONY from going)
BRIAN: Not so fast, read the fine print
TONY: If either of the parties in dispute should flee the scene the object in dispute will be...will be destroyed
BRIAN: I’m THE OBJECT!
TONY: There has to be...he can’t be...
JON re-enters wearing a face-mask and holding a butter knife
JON: Un-Garde! (JON lunges at TONY, who dive’s out of the way)
TONY: Brian, see if there is something in the rules to stop this! (While JON and TONY fight, BRIAN frantically searches for something in the rules) DAMN IT BRIAN, FIND SOMETHING!
BRIAN: I’ve got it! (Right Before TONY kills JON , BRIAN touches both of them at the exact same time, both stare at him.)
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP
BRIAN is sitting on TONY, with JON next to him as a table for his book. RITA enters carrying a drink for him.
BRIAN: Thanks Rita (he kisses her) Go tell the rest of the girls I’ll be in in a minute
RITA: Ok sweetie (RITA runs her fingers through BRIAN’s hair and pulls it a bit, the both smile and she exit’s excitedly)
TONY: Jon, i should have killed you when i had the chance
JON: I swear I...I don’t remember this being a rule...
BRIAN: (putting his drink down on JON) That’s because it wasn’t...
JON and TONY: WHAT?
BRIAN: (reading from the rules) In times of crisis the rules may be suspended and amended without consent...
TONY: Wait...so why didn’t you just change the rule that we had to fight to the death
BRIAN: (exiting, RITA beckoning) Well, where’s the fun in that? Coming girls!
TONY reaches out to strangle JON, but JON gestures to indicate “remember what happens if we touch” TONY sighs
BLACKOUT
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Midnight in the Garden of JK Rowling
I am standing on a platform, roughly 9 ¾ of an inch from the center of the room we now stand in. Around me is a sea of wands, robes, cauldrons and palpable excitement. As I rise to address the masses and tell them the time of the awakening will soon be at hand I feel my wig slide down the front of my face and sense a sharp pain in the back of my skull. Is it possible someone hit me with a box of Bernie Botts every flavor bean? I adjust my wig of long flowing red hair and gaze out at the mass of witches and wizards. They are silent for a moment as I look above my head. The metal sign hanging over the information desk that reads “Customer Service” is now titled at 45 degree angle because of its recent encounter with the back of my head. I had just succeeded in cracking my skull while garnering the full attention of a room full of nerds, who at this point were beginning to chuckle at me. There were a few concerned mothers and nuns who put their hands to there mouths to cover their smirks, but they were there.
“Well, I’m Glad no one saw that” I said to the mass of people now obviously staring at me. The laughter that had been bubbling over reached its full brew and the room filled with it. I was relived that I was able to turn the situation to my advantage and regain control of the room, and I now began shouting instructions about where to line up if they had a book reservation and where to cower in fear of us running out if you did not have one. This was an experience like nothing else in life, the anticipation and excitement behind a Midnight release for a Harry Potter book could not be matched.
This particular Midnight release party was for the 6th book in the Installment, which would go on to be my favorite in the series. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the expectations were high as it was the second to last book in the fabled series. If books are a dying form, JK Rowling is not aware of that fact. During a time when movie companies were struggling for new ideas and Mystery books were telling the same tired old stories with dogs instead of cats, JK created a new world. A World to rival that of Tolken and CS Lewis a world of her own creation that captured the imagination of the time.
Rowling provides a good example of why I believe books are here to stay. In a time when technology was developing faster than it could be written about JK Rowling wrote about people who stayed away from technology. Wizards and witches were unfamiliar with technology for they had no need for it, despite living in the modern world. The fact that this idea was believable to children and adults, that we can live in a world without technology and still believe in magic is magical in and of itself.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Books will never Die!
This is the prologue to "Cure for Crazy" which is going to be a collection of the craziest stories i have heard/been a part of in my time working for Barnes and Noble
There are those who say that Books are a dying breed, and to them I have only one thing to say: Your Crazy. Sure, it might be slightly techno-phobic of myself to cling to the leaflets and notebooks of my past, but I still do it with pride. I collect pens and pencils now like they are pieces of the Ark of the Covenant. I keep every magazine and every hand written letter or post-card in the hopes of one day discovering them and proving to my grandchildren that mail used to be delivered by an actual person. In this vision of the future I see me sitting in my rocking chair reading a newspaper, but as time has gone on the newspaper has begun to fade from the fantasy. Instead it is replaced with a book, any of the Harry Potter books to be precise. I can see myself in the future reading the stories to my children, and letting them touch the book itself and see the Special British edition I imported for far too much money. I look forward to this shared experience, to being able to make a physical connection with a memory from my past while creating a new one in the minds of my imaginary grandchildren. The physical embodiment of memory is something that the digital age will never be able to capture, nor should it try. A book can have a life story separate from the one contained within the text. Where did it come from? How did it get that crease in the binding? Is that a coffee stain inside the front cover or an image of the Virgin Mary? Thousands of questions that can never be asked of a blog, facebook update or tweet.
As a reluctant environmentalist I have to admit I see the benefits of digitizing printed works, but at what loss of character? What part of ourselves do we have to give up in order to maintain the status quo? More and more often today we give up what is real in favor of the artificial, with social networking tools helping us stay connected while staying away. It is also through tools like Twitter and Myspace that we are able to connect with people of similar interests, with similar backgrounds and stories. And in doing so myself I have begun to realize that bookseller has been replaced in the digital world by the search engine. There is a third party involved in the book purchasing process in the material world. Or course there is the author and his or her publisher who create the text and send it out into the hands of those who wish to purchase it. In between that connection however is the third party of the bookseller, a book Butler now replaced by Jeeves and Bing.
In the material world it is the seller who makes the union between two like minded thinkers possible, or between two people with the same passions and creative dreams. It is also possible for a bookseller to steer someone’s life in the completely wrong direction resulting in catastrophe for the reader. As a matter of fact when dealing with issues like family emergencies, loss, troubled relationships and trying to fall in love, the bookseller actually has more power than the author themselves. All they have to do is lead someone in the right direction and tell them “I think this will help”. It is that personal touch, that ability to lift someone’s spirits, only to potentially crush them if the text doesn’t 100% meet the needs of the reader, that separates a bookseller from a search engine. Despite the number of online shoppers who search constantly for books, there is always a special difference between the Jeeves of askjeeves.com and the Jon of Barnes and Noble. I have worked at Barnes and Noble for more than 6 years now and in that time I have seen and heard the most outrageous stories. All revolving a form many believe to be dying, and it is for this reason I put these stories down on paper (and digital, just to be safe) to preserve the memory of what could be a lost art. This collection of stories is about the art of being a Bookseller, what it means to have that level of personal effect on a customer’s life. To lead someone through troubled times merely with a book suggestion, or to outrage a customer by suggesting a liberal biased book when the are a conservative. These are the stories of customers who are not afraid to ask where the Self-help section is, and of the booksellers unafraid to say to them “Doesn’t it defeat the purpose of self-help if I tell you?”
There are those who say that Books are a dying breed, and to them I have only one thing to say: Your Crazy. Sure, it might be slightly techno-phobic of myself to cling to the leaflets and notebooks of my past, but I still do it with pride. I collect pens and pencils now like they are pieces of the Ark of the Covenant. I keep every magazine and every hand written letter or post-card in the hopes of one day discovering them and proving to my grandchildren that mail used to be delivered by an actual person. In this vision of the future I see me sitting in my rocking chair reading a newspaper, but as time has gone on the newspaper has begun to fade from the fantasy. Instead it is replaced with a book, any of the Harry Potter books to be precise. I can see myself in the future reading the stories to my children, and letting them touch the book itself and see the Special British edition I imported for far too much money. I look forward to this shared experience, to being able to make a physical connection with a memory from my past while creating a new one in the minds of my imaginary grandchildren. The physical embodiment of memory is something that the digital age will never be able to capture, nor should it try. A book can have a life story separate from the one contained within the text. Where did it come from? How did it get that crease in the binding? Is that a coffee stain inside the front cover or an image of the Virgin Mary? Thousands of questions that can never be asked of a blog, facebook update or tweet.
As a reluctant environmentalist I have to admit I see the benefits of digitizing printed works, but at what loss of character? What part of ourselves do we have to give up in order to maintain the status quo? More and more often today we give up what is real in favor of the artificial, with social networking tools helping us stay connected while staying away. It is also through tools like Twitter and Myspace that we are able to connect with people of similar interests, with similar backgrounds and stories. And in doing so myself I have begun to realize that bookseller has been replaced in the digital world by the search engine. There is a third party involved in the book purchasing process in the material world. Or course there is the author and his or her publisher who create the text and send it out into the hands of those who wish to purchase it. In between that connection however is the third party of the bookseller, a book Butler now replaced by Jeeves and Bing.
In the material world it is the seller who makes the union between two like minded thinkers possible, or between two people with the same passions and creative dreams. It is also possible for a bookseller to steer someone’s life in the completely wrong direction resulting in catastrophe for the reader. As a matter of fact when dealing with issues like family emergencies, loss, troubled relationships and trying to fall in love, the bookseller actually has more power than the author themselves. All they have to do is lead someone in the right direction and tell them “I think this will help”. It is that personal touch, that ability to lift someone’s spirits, only to potentially crush them if the text doesn’t 100% meet the needs of the reader, that separates a bookseller from a search engine. Despite the number of online shoppers who search constantly for books, there is always a special difference between the Jeeves of askjeeves.com and the Jon of Barnes and Noble. I have worked at Barnes and Noble for more than 6 years now and in that time I have seen and heard the most outrageous stories. All revolving a form many believe to be dying, and it is for this reason I put these stories down on paper (and digital, just to be safe) to preserve the memory of what could be a lost art. This collection of stories is about the art of being a Bookseller, what it means to have that level of personal effect on a customer’s life. To lead someone through troubled times merely with a book suggestion, or to outrage a customer by suggesting a liberal biased book when the are a conservative. These are the stories of customers who are not afraid to ask where the Self-help section is, and of the booksellers unafraid to say to them “Doesn’t it defeat the purpose of self-help if I tell you?”
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