Rules of The Apartment

BRIAN is rummaging through a fridge looking for a snack, he takes out something in a container. JON enters, see’s this

JON: Damn it Brian I wanted to eat that
BRIAN: (offering it) I haven’t had any yet
JON: Nope, you touched it, remember?
BRIAN: Oh...right
JON: Rules exist for a reason, can you be more careful next time?
BRIAN: About the rules Jon...(BRIAN removes a list from his pocket, if possible it should roll out and reveal it is much longer than it seems) I just can’t remember them all
JON: What’s so hard, i wrote them all down for you!
BRIAN: Salad Saturday’s?
JON: You know all the veggies will go bad if we don’t set a date to eat them, it’s totally logical
BRIAN: Okay, I’ll give you that but...
JON: But what?
BRIAN: Our car’s must never come within three meters of each other
JON: You know how much i value the Mercedes, i just want to make sure you don’t scratch it
BRIAN: But the driveway is only 12 Meters long! And we have to fit Tony’s car as well!
JON: Rules are Rules
BRIAN: Fine well, we have to talk about the touching rule then...because...
JON: What?
BRIAN: Well, when Rita was over last night I...
JON:YOU DIDN”T!
BRIAN: I’m a hugger! I give hugs!
JON: Damn it Brian that’s the third girlfriend this month!
BRIAN: I just forget and...
JON: She’s yours now
BRIAN: Jon, your being ridiculous if you just...
JON: I was with her after she...ugh...I am going to go wash off your smell...

(JON exits. BRIAN sighs. TONY, their neighbor, enters, carrying a large book “The Rules”)

TONY: Hey Brian...
BRIAN: Hey Tony, how are you?
TONY: Is Jon around?
BRIAN: He is washing my stink off him
TONY: Uh...what?
BRIAN: Long story, what do you need?
TONY: It’s...well it’s about his car. I scratched it getting passed to my spot today...
BRIAN: Oh shit.
TONY: It’s okay i buffed it ou...
BRIAN: YOU TOUCHED IT?
TONY: I wanted to get it out, but i was reading through his rules and I...

JON enters
BRIAN: SHHHHHH!
JON: What...What’s going on guy’s?
TONY: (while BRIAN yells) I scratched your car
BRIAN: NOTHING AT ALL
TONY stares at BRIAN, BRIAN nods at TONY trying to convince him to go with it. TONY puts his hand on BRIAN to try and figure out what he is saying. JON gasps
JON: You...oh my!
TONY: What? What is it?
BRIAN: Oh shit.
JON; Well, i guess it’s been fun Brian... (JON exits, BRIAN is furious with TONY)
BRIAN: Now you’ve done it
TONY: What? What did I do?
(JON re-enters with a box of BRIAN’s things)
JON: I’ll miss you buddy (Without thinking JON hug’s BRIAN goodbye, then gasps and recoils) I...I never hug...I...
BRIAN: Your telling me...
TONY: Could someone please tell me what the hell is going on?
BRIAN: Well, when you touched me i became your personal property
TONY: You..WHAT?
BRIAN: I’m your bitch
TONY: But Jon just hugged you, so you’re his bitch now...right?
BRIAN: Jon?
JON: I...i have to consult the rules (ALL three read through their copies of the rules, and all at the same time find the next rule, and stare straight ahead, mouths agape) I’ll be out in minute, i have to call my mother...(EXITS sobbing)
TONY: He can’t be serious
BRIAN: Oh he is...
TONY: It’s crazy...It’s illegal and it’s...
BRIAN: A Fight to the death.
TONY: I’m getting the hell out of here (BRIAN stops TONY from going)
BRIAN: Not so fast, read the fine print
TONY: If either of the parties in dispute should flee the scene the object in dispute will be...will be destroyed
BRIAN: I’m THE OBJECT!
TONY: There has to be...he can’t be...
JON re-enters wearing a face-mask and holding a butter knife
JON: Un-Garde! (JON lunges at TONY, who dive’s out of the way)
TONY: Brian, see if there is something in the rules to stop this! (While JON and TONY fight, BRIAN frantically searches for something in the rules) DAMN IT BRIAN, FIND SOMETHING!
BRIAN: I’ve got it! (Right Before TONY kills JON , BRIAN touches both of them at the exact same time, both stare at him.)

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP

BRIAN is sitting on TONY, with JON next to him as a table for his book. RITA enters carrying a drink for him.

BRIAN: Thanks Rita (he kisses her) Go tell the rest of the girls I’ll be in in a minute
RITA: Ok sweetie (RITA runs her fingers through BRIAN’s hair and pulls it a bit, the both smile and she exit’s excitedly)
TONY: Jon, i should have killed you when i had the chance
JON: I swear I...I don’t remember this being a rule...
BRIAN: (putting his drink down on JON) That’s because it wasn’t...
JON and TONY: WHAT?
BRIAN: (reading from the rules) In times of crisis the rules may be suspended and amended without consent...
TONY: Wait...so why didn’t you just change the rule that we had to fight to the death
BRIAN: (exiting, RITA beckoning) Well, where’s the fun in that? Coming girls!

TONY reaches out to strangle JON, but JON gestures to indicate “remember what happens if we touch” TONY sighs

BLACKOUT